If Bloggers Made the Rules, Part 2

The following is a continuation of "If Bloggers Made the Rules." When I reviewed this entry before posting it, I found it funny that I wrote several of the following points before certain friends followed these rules on their own blogs. This makes it personal. To honor this fact, I've added a bonus rule.

1. Music! It's all about background music. Find some low-quality, copyrighted song to loop in the background and make sure that it plays at full volume to wake up your readers. Buttons make things too complex for fellow bloggers, so don't bother including a mute option. People like your music anyway!
2. Other bloggers forget that they have a blog, especially people who invest themselves into their own website. If you don't see anything new from them in more than twelve hours, spam them with instant-messages, emails, phone calls, text messages, and personal reminders that they need to update. Yes, it is easy for them to forget that they have a website.
3. Blogs are really just a place to carry conversations in the comments that are irrelevant to the blog itself. Email, voice, instant-messenger, and even face-to-face are such ineffective means of communication! But if you want to make a legitimate comment to a blog entry, never post it to that blog entry, because that's just what they'd expect you to do.
4. Blogging is your civic duty. Failing to post a new blog entry for more than thirty-three hours is negligence and must be redeemed by opening your next post with multiple apologies and lame excuses.
5. If you're not already writing your blogs with Caps Lock on (or at least the Shift key Super-Glued in the depressed position), at least type new words or concepts in all-caps. "BLOG," "ANSWERS," "MEGA," and "FLASH" are great places to start.
6. Because you want to express your happiness in your writing, ensure that every sentence contains at least one "LOL" (or similar variant). After all, you talk this way, don't you? Also throw in a couple dozen smiley faces for good measure.
7. Exception to previous ten rules: bold and italics make more professional emphasis than just all-caps. So the best way to get your point across is to apply all three styles to random words within your blog. This also prevents the text from appearing boring.
8. Tell people about your daily activities because this can prevent personal, face-to-face conversations. If people already know what you're doing and what you're thinking, why bother to talk to you? But this also gives you a unique opportunity with people who haven't read your blog. Whenever they ask something that you've posted, take this chance to exclaim, "LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!!!! Um, like, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then walk away.
9. To increase traffic on your site, link to lots of other blogs (called "trackbacks") with generic comments so that not only will that blogger have to visit your site to figure out what you said, but also his readers will be grateful for your self-promotion and helping them find more stuff to read in their employer's spare time. This may be considered "spam" by some people. But spam is cool. Just look at how popular it is!
10. Most internet users aren't smart enough to recognize a hyperlink if it was on a screen in front of them (which, coincidentally, happens to be the location for about 97% of all hyperlinks). So, never link to another website or webpage by making text clickable. Your readers will never find it. Instead, paste the entire thirty-mile-long web address into your page. This looks great on widescreen monitors. And don't let it be hyperlinked either, because that just hinders legibility when visitors have to retype the sequence into their internet browsers.
11. And the last rule (for now): it doesn't matter if you have anything worthwhile to say. Post something anyway!