The Milkshake Chronicles, Part 1

A few weeks ago, I began a quest greater than that of Sir Graham, more epic than Frodo, more dangerous than Buzz and Woody, and yes, even more noble than that of the dashing peasant wearing short pants. I am attempting to create the best homemade milkshake recipe on this side of State Route 42 (and on this side of State Route 48). While working on freelance projects, I found my thinking-help to not be Hot Pockets (like "the Rat" from the Core or even my friend who bares striking similarity) but beverages. With the cold season at its hardest, I think that it is a perfect time to drink milkshakes. My trials began with a DLX blender into which I poured a little milk, lots of Hershey's chocolate syrup, a bit of authentic Mexican vanilla extract (at least that's what I think it is. I can't tell because the label is in Spanish), and a few scoops of french vanilla ice cream. My first result: cold chocolate milk. So I needed a way to thicken the drink. Easy enough. The next episode of The Milkshake Chronicles included a guest star ripe banana. While this gave a pleasant flavor and a false illusion of added nutrition, it didn't accomplish my goals of thickness. Instead, it made the milkshake lighter and seem more like fluffy chocolate milk … with banana. So my adventure continued. At one point, I had the crazy idea, If Hershey's syrup is good, then Hershey's cocoa powder must be even better! But I was wrong. I've never had crunchy chocolate milk before. Aside from adding corn starch or engine oil, I decided that the DLX blender was not the best battleground for me and any freelancing hunger. So I found our Rival hand mixer. It's kind of like the real thing that they use at ice cream places, except much slower and apparently suitable for mixing liquid with liquid (like red water and blue water). I stick my different-brand french vanilla ice cream, milk (much less of it now), and chocolate syrup in a tall glass. Once I finally worked the mixer deep enough into the belly of the chocolate sludge, I faced a new challenge of pulling it back out from the suction without loosing any of the milkshakes intestines on the counter. Unfortunately, another three-thumbs-down from my taste buds. Using astronomy, I realized that the milkshakes were turning into milk because I shook the shake right out of them. Thus, I determined to mix as quickly as possible to keep the milkshake thick. I decided to try something new, as long as I was in a try-something-new mood. I added some white chocolate chips to the mix and began grinding them in with that Rival hand mixer and it's 135 nhp (nanohorsepower) engine. Although this added a curious new flavor, the last few spoonfuls were nothing but white chocolate, which I wondered how long could stay at peace with my stomached. It was also around this time that I experimented with cookies and cream ice cream, which gave me the idea of adding Oreos. But that'll be another night. So as I'm sure was the thought of the first anti-Matrix cook, I decided, Enough with the machines! I'll do it myself! With BDUs on, gear harnessed, and weapons armed, I fired my spoon into two scoops of vanilla ice cream. Milk was too childish for this battle because I suspected it to be conspiring against me to overcome the ice cream—and me—with itself. In went the chocolate syrup—room temperature chocolate syrup. Rule whatever: don't use warm ingredients in a cold drink. Because of the syrups unsyrupness (due to its warmth) I was "forced" to add more ice cream. This time, the thickness was almost right. After first bite, a though struck me like a bull weaver striking a barge full of green bricks. I grabbed the cinnamon and added a pinch. At least I think that it was a pinch. I couldn't really tell when the light brown powder glistened into my mixing cup (non-suction-creating this time). This added a delightful flavor reminiscent of … cinnamon! I'll have to play with this more in the future. If it turns out well, I may even create a line of milkshake for our Indian friends by swapping the cinnamon for curry, or with chili powder for our Mexican audience. If you have any ideas, witty or doctrinal, please post here and I'll update with the truth or consequences.